did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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