I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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