How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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