I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
