I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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