My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
