I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
