dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
