I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My penis needs a shock collar
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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