Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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