God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
