Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so let's talk penis.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
