im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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