I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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