Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
