He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
