if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
