No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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