Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My life is pants optional.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize