bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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