Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
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