Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
