So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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