I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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