You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
