OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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