Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
