I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sober January is a disaster.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
