Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
