Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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