SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize