Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
