I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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