so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I deserve this hangover.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize