I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
