Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
