New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
