Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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