She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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