The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
