You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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