WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize