The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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