Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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