highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
