somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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