I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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