was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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