Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
