You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this just has baby written all over it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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