my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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