Your face is a jimmy john
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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