My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
