shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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