I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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