Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
