3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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