Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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