No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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