I could make wine with my vomit
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
